*I wrote this blog soon after coming out, on my old blogsite, but wanted to share it here for those who can relate, and for those who want to understand.*
Coming out as a lesbian is a rollercoaster of emotions. When you’re married to a man, it’s a rollercoaster on some very questionable tracks. Over 3 months on from coming out, my initial headiness and stumbling around in the dark has given way to guilt. I don’t just mean ‘oh, I feel bad for my husband’, but deep, gnawing, gruelling guilt that has been making me feel physically sick, and caused me to lose weight (I’m not complaining about that part though, I’ve been trying for ages!!)
At first, my ex (S) was super supportive of me, but that then gave way to anger, and then deep upset and depression. These feelings, of course, are normal and perfectly understandable given the circumstances, but knowing I had wrecked what was a deep friendship and generally-happy marriage, and hurt my best friend so badly, was like a repeated blow to the gut. Had I ruined everything to chase something I may never even get? (A loving and committed relationship with a woman).
Over the last few months, I have questioned myself countless times if I could maybe just ignore my queerness, and try again? Surely if I’ve managed 16 years, I can do another 16 years?! Surely I owe S that? If he’s willing to look past it, why can’t I? But the bottom line is, you can’t run from yourself. I can help my sexuality about as much as I can help my eye colour- it will never go away, it would only be able to be ignored for so long, until it got too much again. Since coming out, I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin, and more sure of who I am and what I want- I can’t and won’t go back from that- and I think that’s part of what makes the guilt so strong.
Aside from causing heartbreak, there’s many other people to consider- like my kids. To be fair, they’ve taken in totally in their stride and aren’t bothered, and as far as I’m aware, they’ve not experienced any bullying or nastiness over it- but it COULD have been a different story. I’m so grateful they’ve not been negatively affected, but knowing that that could change with just one person’s words is a worry. It’s a pre-guilt. A guilty anticipation of guilt. Certainly before I came out to them, although they’ve always been easy-going, awesomely accepting boys, I worried that they would blame me for our now broken home, and accuse me of ruining their childhoods. I also still worry that others are thinking that, on their behalf.
Then there’s my wider family- my parents, sister, niece, nephews, aunts, uncles cousins. Whilst everyone seems to be fine with it, have I actually disappointed them? Being the only gay family member (one who’s out, at least!) on both sides, and the only cousin with a failed marriage, am I being secretly judged? Do they disapprove? Have I disappointed them and let everybody down? Do they tell themselves it’s just a phase, and plan to ignore any new love interests? Of course, all this is my inner talk- it may be that none of this is the case at all, but it doesn’t make me feel any less guilt. Considering I’ve always danced to my own beat, and not ever been afraid to be unapologetically me, it strikes me as odd that I should care so much about how other people feel about ultimately, who I share my bed and my life with. It’s that good old hetronormativity again. Although I’ve always been a bit of a social misfit, and the hippy-dippy witchy one of the family, I did subscribe to ‘normality’ by having a husband and kids- now I’ve turned it on its head, and it’s a lot for people to take in.
However, I am not responsible for other people’s feelings- and neither are you. If anyone is disgusted, embarrassed, disappointed, or upset with me- for any reason, including because I’m gay, well, that’s their problem. I’m living MY truth, MY way- you don’t have to agree. As for the masses of guilt I feel for me ex, that’s gonna take some time. I was completely loyal and devoted to him, so it’s hard to shake off feelings of responsibility after that amount of time, but something a close friend said to me a while ago will stick with me through this:
“Don’t set yourself of fire to keep others warm”.
From talking to others, it seems that gay guilt is common- particularly after being married to the opposite sex, and that as a ‘baby gay’ I’m bound to have some emotions to work through, but ultimately, this is me shedding the guilt and responsibility for other people’s happiness. For my ex, I wish him nothing but the best and all the happiness in the world- but I know it’s not my job to provide it, and so now does he. For everyone else- love me as I am, or don’t, but don’t expect me to feel bad about who I am or to consider your feelings when befriending or loving who I want.
Time for the guilt to leave the building- after all, it’s the whole point of Pride.
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