Narcissus, the figure from Greek mythology, is famous for rejecting others, in favour for staring at his reflection, totally in love with himself, and is why we call people who seem wrapped up in only themselves, narcissistic.
How to spot a narcissist
· Narcissists have an inflated sense of importance, or a delusion of grandeur, and talk about themselves a lot, above all others
· They need constant attention and adoration, and feed off praise and being needed.
· They often lack empathy towards others, and aren’t bothered by anything that doesn’t directly affect them.
· Love bombing- this is where they heap on love, affection and attention to the object of their desires, from very early on in the relationship, almost to an obsessive, suffocating degree. The narcissist literally blind-sides and bombards their partner with love. This can be shown in words, actions, gifts, constant attention, messages, and being around you as much as is possible with no break, even if you need it.
· Narcissists tend to skip from friend to friend, without keeping secure long-term friendships.
Once a relationship is established and the ‘honeymoon’ period over, narcissistic traits include:
· Nit-picking. They start to pick apart personal ‘flaws’ of their partner, and bring to attention all the little things that irritate them. This could be the way you look, talk, behave, your emotional responses and habits or traits.
· Gaslighting- when you’re upset, or there’s an argument, a narcissist will typically turn it around so it’s always your fault, even when they’ve caused it, or done something to upset you, and will often play the victim. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, which can leave you feeling emotionally unstable and vulnerable, questioning everything and blaming yourself needlessly for everything. People who are being gaslit often don’t realise it, believing they must have done something wrong.
· Narcissits often aren’t the apologising type, no matter how in the wrong they are. They tend to believe they’re right in all situations, and that therefore, you are wrong.
· It is not uncommon for a narcissist to avoid categorising your relationship. You think you’re an item, and in private you certainly behave and feel that way, but they’re reluctant to put a label on it, or try to convince you to keep it on the down-low. This should ring alarm-bells, even if your partner isn’t otherwise narcissistic.
How to cope
Ultimately, the general advice is to get out of the relationship, and away from the narcissist, but I’m not here to tell you what to do, or to judge you for any choice you make. I’m here to help you survey the situation from various perspectives, and to come to your own decisions, and then support you in those decisions and watch you soar. If you do choose to end your relationship with a narcissist, these are some tips to help you cope, and to enable you to leave. If you are not yet ready, or don’t want to leave, you still have my full judgement-free support. A narcissist will not change, so ensure you give yourself plenty of love and care.
· Realise that the way they are treating you IS abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to be physical; emotional and mental manipulation is also abuse.
· To process and manage your emotions following a narcissistic relationship, it can be hugely beneficial to seek some sort of help, whether that be from a life coach like myself, a therapist, or a counsellor, as feelings of guilt and anxiety are common and need to be worked through.
· Set boundaries for the future- what do you want a future relationship to look like? How do you want to be treated? What is totally unacceptable to you? Know what you want from a relationship, and accept nothing less- this includes friendships.
· Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Don’t underestimate the importance of good connections- they are your sounding board, your comfort, your ego-boost, and the people to ground you and distract you.
· Make time for hobbies and self-care. Now is the time to find yourself without that person in your life, and to rediscover old passions, and develop new ones!
Be aware that when a relationship ends, narcissists typically panic and lash out. They may beg for you back, promise to change, and then turn sour and go on to name calling. You may experience them attempting to turn people against you- but remember your true friends and loved ones will see through this. It is not uncommon for there to be a low-level of harassment after a break up- but don’t respond to any of their communications and don’t hesitate to contact the police in this situation. Thankfully, in the majority of cases, this is short-lived.
Ultimately, remember that with a narcissist, the failings of the relationship, their behaviour and their feelings are NOT your responsibility, and NOT your fault. You did not trigger them, or provoke the abuse- the onus lies solely with them.
If you feel unsafe, either in the relationship, or to leave, there are refuges that can help. They are not just for victims of physical violence, but for everyone fleeing any kind of abuse. Talk to trusted friends and family to put together a plan to leave to make it as safe, and as straightforward as possible, and to give you the support and strength you need.
It’s not always easy, or even obvious at first, to realise you are in a narcissistic relationship, but the freedom from leaving one is immense. We often feel obliged to stay in a relationship that doesn’t truly fulfil us, uphold our values, or offer us mutual respect and love, but staying with a narcissist will eventually grind you down, destroy your self-esteem and leave you feeling vulnerable, anxious on-edge. You can recover and heal from the effects of being with a narcissist, and in recognising the signs, you’re taking the first step towards freedom.
You’ve got this!
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